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blog 03: january 3rd, 2025. 10:15 pm - 10:59 pm.

hi.

i havent written one of these in a while.

im doing a lot better.

i dont know why i was so.... sad?

but im better now!!!!!

its now 2025...

im still kinda stuck in 2020/2021.

feels like time has moved SO fast!!

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i would say that 2024 had been pretty good, but for some reason like

ever since i released my album, my mental wellbeing has just gotten.. worse?

like. its to the point that most of what i have planned for this next album is solely based off of these past two months..

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which speaking of.. it is coming along SO well!! ive been wanting to do a rock/expermental album for SO long and i think ive finally got the sound down!!

also, that reminds me



for some reason i labeled my last album as a rock and experimental album.. which, that is just NOT true.

idk what i was on when adding those tags..

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can you tell that im not trying as much with this one?

for some reason when im not really happy, i obsess over EVERY detail and like try to make sure everything is PERFECT

but like right now im feeling good so im just letting myself relax with this one, and am just writing whats on my mind!! .

when typing that i accidentally did "!~!" which looks like a cool little emoticon .

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ive been really into like heavy guitar centric music lately..

my fav album right now is "Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness" by the smashing pumpkins.

another album thats good is "Monarch of Monsters" by vylet pony!! although this one delves into some . heavy topics.

so you should probably be ready for that.

another one of my favorite albums right now is "Alligator Bites Never Heal" by doechii (which is actually a mixtape but WHATEVER... i want to mention it)

great music, phenominal artist. like i love this album (boiled peanuts is my fav) .

idk why i started reviewing albums.

anyways, i love making music !!! i love everything about music!!!

i wish i had like a semi decent voice so i could do good vocals though.

like i can sing, but i need to do voice training BADLY. i hate how my voice is right now.

luckily my voice isnt THAT deep, but still.

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recently ive been trying to write stuff.. but now that im like feeling well again, i just feel weird doing it..

it feels out of place now cause im in Such a different mindset.

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for some reason my head hurts a lot when writing these..

like i have no clue why.

i should probably drink water.

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today i made like a little teaser video for the album using some of my LPS.. idk why. its not releasing for like another year.

i think i did it just because my brain like NEEDS to see that im making progress on something, so it doesnt just quit on the project..

which reminds me, this websites home page sucks!! i quit on it halfway through because i felt like i wasnt making progress...

idk why i write with ellipsis..

idk. i Write things weirdly.

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anyways.. BYE!!!!! :3

thanks for reading!!

blog 02: december 26th, 2024. 9:28 pm - 10:06 pm.

people are constantly surrounding me, yet i feel alone.

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my head constantly hurts, it feels like never-ending thoughts overlapping and intertwining to make one huge anguish.

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i got a new computer.

i can now make music and not be in 1 fps whilst doing so!!

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using the exclamation point feels disingenuous for some reason.

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anyways, right now i feel kinda.. void?

i dont know if thats the right word.

blank i guess.

like. i finally got what i wanted, yet i feel nothing.

well, im happy - but my mind doesnt process it.

i know im happy, but no dopamine.

it feels off, everything feels off.

my world feels like a dull gray right now.

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like im numb to every emotion.

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i feel like ive been hiding my like, real self for a while.

to the point where its second nature.

to the point where almost every action i do, i feel terrible.

like im not the one doing that, like i am someone else.

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it feels like i am not in the right body, which is probably because im trans, but idk.

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its almost new years. i should be more cheery.

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i never really notice the passage of time until its too late.

2020 still feels like yesterday.

now its half a decade away.

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i wish i could have it all back, spend it doing something meaningful, instead of wasting away at a screen.

i mean, i guess im where im at now, so thats nice.

i like where i am now, but i wonder if i did anything different, would i be like THIS right now?

i dont want to be like this.

i dont wanna feel depressed?

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still dont know if thats the right word.

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thanks for reading.

sorry if this was a little scattered about, i cant really think right now.

blog 01: december 22nd, 2024. 9:34 pm - 10:07 pm.

i haven't really been feeling that good recently. i have been mainly making music and coding this website to like, distract myself i guess?

i am not really sure why i feel this way.. like i have just suddenly been cast into a (sort of) depression? i dont know.

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i have been writing recently.

"in skin and bone i feel awful.
the screen brings a level of comfort: a barrier.
i feel more safe, more like myself.
trying to communicate outside it, i feel lost.
i wish i felt like myself outside of digital signals.
i wish i was able to be someone different.
someone better."

another:

"is this what life really is?
is it truly just about suffering through each day, sleeping being the only respite?
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am i doing it wrong?
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am i an outlier?
why does my mind feel like constant noise that i can't drown out?
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i always lay in bed, hoping i can finally go to sleep.
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so i can stop feeling every imperfection about me.
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so i can stop existing, just for one moment.
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then i wake up.
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why am i like this?
why do i feel like my entire essence is wrong?
why cant i be happy?
why cant i find peace in what i do?
why cant i be happy without feeling guilt?"

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i dont think these are that good.

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besides that, i am finally getting some actual "progress" on the album. (made an album cover and part of the intro, which is a lot for me right now).

i usually write all my like plans for an album on discord, or like my notes app on computer, but this time i am mainly using my phone.

which has led to a previously "for school only" note to be transformed into a monolithic beast of messy ass song ideas and general hatred towards myself

also - by general hatred i just mean like writing down what i feel so i can just get something out. like this!

i usually try to not be like, messy with my notes, but until i have atleast like a couple songs done, this note is going to be a MESS.

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anyways, holidays!!! it is soon to be. i for some reason am in a really cheery mood! (well, as much as i can be right now).

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the end!! bye :3